WASHINGTON, D.C. — Former President Donald Trump has reportedly spent the last two weeks in an intensive “prison bootcamp” to prepare for the possibility of incarceration. Trump, who faces multiple charges of fraud and financial misconduct, has been taking lessons on the ins and outs of prison life, including crafting makeshift shivs, deceiving guards with fake heads, and navigating the perilous task of picking up soap in the communal showers.

The former president, known for his flamboyant personality and penchant for the theatrical, has embraced the bootcamp experience with gusto. According to sources close to Trump, he has been diligently practicing the art of crafting shivs from everyday objects, such as toothbrushes and plastic cutlery. “He’s a natural,” said one anonymous source. “He’s got a whole collection of shivs now. Calls it his presidential arsenal.”

Trump has also been honing his skills in the art of deception, learning how to craft fake heads from papier-mâché and old socks to fool guards during nightly cell checks. “He’s got a real talent for it,” said the source. “He’s made a whole gallery of heads that look just like him. It’s uncanny.”

Perhaps most surprisingly, the former president has taken a keen interest in mastering the delicate maneuver of retrieving dropped soap without bending over. “He’s been practicing for hours,” the source revealed. “He’s got it down to a science. It’s like watching a ballet.”

In addition to these unconventional skills, Trump has been focusing on building alliances and making friends behind bars. He has reportedly been taking lessons in prison slang, bartering, and the subtle art of winning over fellow inmates with his charm and charisma.

Despite the gravity of the charges against him, Trump remains optimistic and upbeat. “He’s treating it like an adventure,” the source said. “He keeps saying that if he has to go to prison, he’s going to be the best darn prisoner they’ve ever seen.”

As the legal proceedings against Trump continue to unfold, the nation watches with bated breath to see whether the former president’s prison bootcamp training will be put to the test. For now, Trump remains a free man, albeit one with a curious set of newly acquired skills.

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