New York City — In a stunning move that left satire enthusiasts and truth-seekers alike spiraling into existential crises, The Onion announced it was flipping its comedic script to embrace right-wing propaganda. Following its recent acquisition by tech mogul Elon Musk, The Onion handed control of Infowars back to Alex Jones, all while unveiling Steve Bannon as the new editor-in-chief.
“The truth isn’t funny anymore,” Musk declared in a surprise press conference held aboard his private rocket. “But satire that’s so right it’s wrong? That’s innovation.” Musk reportedly paid for the acquisition in Dogecoin, which analysts speculate may actually be more stable than Jones’ legal defense fund.
The Infowars Resurrection
Once relegated to selling male vitality supplements and weathering lawsuits, Alex Jones appeared on a livestream to announce the triumphant return of Infowars, now rebranded as Infowarrior Elite: Truth Off the Charts. “We’ve got the lizard people in the crosshairs, folks!” Jones exclaimed while flexing his freshly toned biceps, reportedly a side effect of Musk’s experimental “Rogan 3.0” vitality serum.
Jones claims the new Infowars will blend satire and conspiracy, calling it “satirspiracy,” though experts note it’s just conspiracy with a laugh track.
Bannon’s Vision for The Onion
Steve Bannon, fresh off his latest batch of homemade kombucha (rumored to be aged in Breitbart-branded barrels), assured reporters that The Onion would preserve its satirical edge—just with a new target.
“We’re flipping the script, folks. Liberals were funny to mock until they weren’t. Now, it’s time to satirize the real joke: wokeness, climate change, and the so-called Constitution. Besides,” Bannon added, “our interns love wearing khakis.”
Reactions Pour In
Former Onion staffers, now hiding in safe houses across the Midwest, issued a statement: “Satire is officially dead. We had a good run.” The statement was distributed via Morse code because, apparently, it’s the only method that hasn’t been co-opted by Musk’s satellites.
Meanwhile, Infowars fans are celebrating what they’re calling “the greatest crossover event since Marvel made us think Thor was a feminist.”
What’s Next?
According to insiders, The Onion’s first pro-right headline under Bannon’s leadership will be, “Patriots Find Humor in Crushing Liberal Dreams; Here’s How YOU Can Too.” Rumors suggest future articles will feature tips on how to wear a tin-foil hat with style and why Elon Musk is “too real to be human, probably a celestial AI sent by God.”
As for Musk, he teased The Onion’s next evolution on X (formerly Twitter): “New era. New voices. New world order? lol jk. Or am I? 🤔”
In this surreal twist of irony, the lines between satire and reality continue to blur—just as Bannon and Musk planned. And somehow, Alex Jones is laughing harder than anyone else.